


Bertie's Bits

by LadyKeane



Series: Bertie's Blog [2]
Category: Jeeves & Wooster, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character factoids, Desi Character, I could post this on Tumblr but eh, M/M, The Jeeves fam, The Wooster fam, bullet point format, headcanons, might add to this intermittently
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 10:51:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyKeane/pseuds/LadyKeane
Summary: Random fun facts about our boys from the 'Bertie's Blog' AU.





	1. Chapter 1

 Uncle George is the oldest of his siblings, and the current Lord Yaxley. In his youth he rebelled against this obligation by travelling through Asia, from Malaysia and the Phillipines to Thailand and India. Agatha insists that this is what inspired their youngest sister Dahlia to go through her punk phase (the photos of her with green hair and a safety pin through her nose still exist, and Bertie has made sure to keep a few copies).

 

Come to think of it, Agatha seems to be the odd Wooster out in her generation, given all of her siblings' quirks (eg Henry and the rabbits). No-one has ever questioned paternity, but her nose does bear a similar shape to that of the family accountant who Grandmama Wooster once took a shine to...

Bertie's very first memory is of chasing brightly coloured balloons at cousin Angela's first birthday party, until one of them popped in his face and brought on a deluge of tears. It is hard to say whether this set off a deep seated behavioural cycle or not. Bertie does recall that the song 'Circle of Life' from 'The Lion King' was playing at the time.

So, Bertie's duckie, Sir Feathergill of Bath. A Christmas present from his parents, and a cherished toy throughout his childhood, he stayed home went Bertie went off to Eton. Two years later, when Bertie was sent home for his parents' funeral, he spied the toy sitting behind the shampoo bottle as he sunk into his night-time bath. He absently batted Sir Feathergill about across the soapy water, receiving a deep if bittersweet comfort. Once he'd finished his schooling, free of adolescent self-consciousness, Sir Feathergill once again became a welcome guest at every bath, even if he just sat in the soap dish most of the time.  
Last year, Bertie noticed that the paint of Sir Feathergill's bright blue eyes was starting to flake away. When Jeeves and Bertie brought the Dalek to cousin Manisha for repairs, Jeeves had the discretion to stay silent when Bertie presented the little duck to her as well.

Jeeves has about three hundred aunts and uncles and approximately nine hundred cousins, and he knows every one of them by name. They all hold him in high esteem (the collective cheer of 'Eh, Reggie!' can be heard at many a family get-together). His cousins are fascinated by he and his siblings' half-white heritage (they celebrate Vaisakhi AND Christmas, despite being neither Sikh nor Christian!), but even more noteworthy is the fact that Jeeves has fished pretty much all of his cousins out of the soup at one point or another. It pays to have a singularly shrewd solicitor in the family.

Jeeves will tell you he despises Bollywood. But if 'Nanak Naam Jahaz Hai' happens to be on the screen, he will sit down and unconsciously recite all the dialogue under his breath. He and his Dadaa Balwinder would watch this film ritually once a year during his youth, and it seems old habits die hard.

 Bertie's top five fave films are, in no particular order: 'The Producers', 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory', 'Disney's Hercules', 'Hot Fuzz' and 'Legally Blonde'. Elle Woods was in fact his inspiration for getting through the slog of Eton and Oxford.

Reginald Jeeves is a guarded man who does not fall in love easily. When it does happen, he falls in _**love**_. Before Bertie, there were only two other men who ever stole his heart. One was a sanguine classmate at Cambridge who managed to break it within a matter of months. The other was Leonardo Dicaprio, who broke the young Jeeves' heart every time he had a death scene on screen (It so happens that the other film Jeeves can faithfully recite all the dialogue to is 'Titanic').

That is not to say that Jeeves' Grindr has not gotten good usage in its time. Alongside the hookups, he has also been able to find companions who are willing to share in a bit of witty conversation over a coffee, which is what scratches his deepest itch.

Boy-crazy Bertie had amassed a veritable harem of imaginary heart-throbs by the age of twelve: Robbie Williams, John Barrowman, The Rock et al. He would usualy invoke the mental image of one of these hunks during clumsy snogging sessions with fellow Eton inmates. He was kind of a tart, really.

Balvinder Singh, eighty two years young, is an artist who found a career in the imports business. Some of his relatives were scandalised when he permitted his brilliant daughter Rani to marry a white man. Balvinder looked at Edward Jeeves and all he saw was an honest working man who loved his daughter and treated her well, and despite his own devotion to his Sikh faith was not averse to their secular marriage. He loves sudoku, good tea, and taking his grandkids and great-grandkids to the movies. Whenever he attends the Gurdwara, he prays for his beloved grandson Reggie to find a good husband.

Tom Travers is a supergeek. He's worked hard all his life and feels justly entitled to his passion for science fiction and fantasy. Apart from 'Doctor Who', he favours other British sci-fi franchises such as 'Hitchhiker's Guide' and 'Red Dwarf'. He shares this passion with his daughter Angela, and the two of them will happily spend their weekends binge-watching entire seasons, attending conventions, or getting involved in intense fandom debates that drive Dahlia out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Jeeves tries to keep this on the DL, but he is most certainly a vain man. He nurses a quiet pride in his appearance- not only does he adorn himself in finely tailored suits and silk shirts, but he also finds gratification in his own lean, toned physique. (One thing he makes extra effort to keep on the DL is the chubby phase he went through in adolescence - he owes a lot to his Aunt Geeta's daily yoga regime and vegetarian diet.)

Quite contrary to appearances, Madeline is not a militant vegan. She abhors the idea of feeding infants or carnivorous pets a vegan diet, and would much rather give her time and resources to Battersea than a crooked setup like PETA. She is occasionally tempted to proselytise, but has learnt through experience of its futility. (That's precisely why she brokered no argument with Gussie - he simply _would_ become a vegan, no questions asked.)

Bertie has made several attempts at growing a moustache. Long has he dreamt of of a full, lush handlebar that he can preen to his heart's content. The best he has ever managed is a sad little patchy thing that resembles a subpar bikini wax. Regrettably, he did not inherit his aunts' inborn talent for growing out facial hair.

Cousin Angela is a rampant devourer of 'Buffles' fan-fiction - the romantic pairing of Raffles and Bunny from the popular modern-day TV adaption of the 'Raffles' stories. (the fandom prefers this portmanteau over the less endearing 'Runny'.) She will occasionally share the real gems with Bertie - his favorite one is a story where Raffles and Bunny are Slytherins who cut class to steal diadems and snog each other in the Forbidden Forest.

Marion being hired as the director for the latest season of 'Dunstan Priory' was, understandably, a breakout gig for her. She's currently collaborating with her old mate Faith Rosso - they are workshopping a new musical for the West End stage, all about a plus-sized Aussie girl looking for love on the mean streets of Sydney's Northern Beaches. Johnny Sang and Barnabas Carrowthatch have both been attached to the project to play the heroine's two love interests.

While the Drones are generally all good pals who get on famously despite the occasional squabble, the two members who should never be in the same room together are Tuppy Glossop and Florence Craye. One will utter the word 'feminazi', the other will blurt out 'phallocentricism', and then all hell breaks loose. Egos will flare like Red Giants, fedoras will be busted, and accusations of political correctness and/or bigotry will be thoroughly dressed down. If one gets caught in such a situation, the best thing to do is dive under the nearest table and pray til it all blows over.

So far, Jeeves has gotten Bertie to watch half a dozen Merchant-Ivory films, to which he has been surprisingly receptive. His favourite is 'Maurice', and his least favourite is 'Jefferson in Paris' (not even the campy gambols of Simon Callow could rescue that snooze-fest).

Seppings & Jeeves Solicitors are an extremely successful firm, known for their ability to diffuse difficult and complicated conflicts in an efficient and discreet manner. Peers of the realm, distinguished MPs, and captains of industry have all relied on their expertise for matters in property, family law and all manner of civil disputes. Incidentally, Paul Seppings LL.M. recently completed extensive renovations to the large Golders Green townhouse he shares with his husband Anatole.

While Boko Fittleworth has earnt enough from his bestseller 'The Perks of the Fault in our Travelling Pants' to not only afford a period home in Fulham, but fill it with all sorts of boho chic clutter, he still insists on dressing like a schlub. His love of charity shops is second to none, and he prides himself on his ability to find superbly naff garments like polyester anoraks, Hawaiian print shirts and highwater trousers. While Jeeves is quite civil to his neighbour, he often needs to avert his eyes from Boko's ensemble, and has firmly discouraged Bertie from tagging along on Boko's little shopping trips.

It's just as well that Jeeves bites his tongue about Boko's retina-damaging sartorial tastes, because Jeeves' recent spate of nightly 'noise-making' has been setting Boko's teeth on edge. Let's just say that Bertie is not only vocal, he's... ahem... verbose. And the common wall between the flats is practically like rice paper, to boot.

The first morning that Jeeves arose to behold a sleep-softened Wooster in repose rumpled amongst his blankets, his heart almost stopped from the beauty before him. After drinking his fill, he brought up a tray of eggs and b. to his drowsy, cozy love. As they shared breakfast, Jeeves passionately admired the morning sun illuminating those tousled caramel curls. This began a happy morning ritual of breakfast in bed, during which Bertie asks Jeeves about the weather, informs him of the Drones' latest movements, and sometimes even cooks the eggs and b. himself. Jeeves is also gradually training Bertie to not drop toast crumbs all over their sheets.

Bertie did actually have a 'proper job' once, as a casual assistant at LUSH during summer break from Oxford. He tended to entertain the customers with various anecdotes and small talk, while playing with the bath bombs and shower jellies, instead of actually trying to sell them. This was not looked upon favourably, and he was not invited back for the Christmas season. Well, there was also his penchant for licking the soaps. 'Honey I Washed The Kids' is sadly not for internal consumption.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The Wooster Christmas is typically held at Uncle George's place in Hampstead. This is generally agreed to be a good thing, as jolly Uncle George is a master at over-catering and rich desserts. One grim year, he was holidaying in Phuket, and Aunt Agatha insisted on hosting. The small-yet-containable fire lit by Claude and Eustace was also generally agreed to be a good thing: not only did it give the family an excuse to scarper, but it utterly destroyed the repast of cold pie, jellied eels and grainy, rum-free Christmas cake.

The Jeeves Christmas is typically held by Edward's sister Clare. She was the great peacemaker between Edward and his parents, and it is through her that the Jeeves kids get to see what white families are like. They find it curious how subdued and calm their celebrations are, but are grateful for her hospitality all the same. Even so, all the fuss over dry, unseasoned turkey meat and baked veg is quite mystifying.

Bertie fretted about what to give Jeeves for Christmas this year, as he'd used up all his good gift ideas on Jeeves' birthday back in October (A Wooster-administered full-body massage, a red velvet birthday cake made from the recipe Jeeves taught him, and a serenade of all his favourite sonatas). However, inspiration struck at the eleventh hour, when Bertie dropped a half-eaten mince pie down the front of his old chlorine-y dinner jacket. Calling in a favour from Uncle George, he has gotten Jeeves a standing appointment with the best tailor on Savile Row - to suit Bertie up in whatever fine bespoke ensemble Jeeves wants.

Jeeves was born on 23rd of October 1985, and Bertie was born on 27th March 1993. Bertie was quite gleeful as he read out Jeeves' birth chart as well as their love horoscope (since Jeeves is on the cusp of two signs, Bertie subjected him to both Aries/Libra and Aries/Scorpio). Jeeves simply grit his teeth, quietly rankling any time that the readings were accurate.

While Christmas is Uncle George's domain, it is agreed that Halloween belongs part and parcel to Dahlia. The Halloween bashes at Brinkley Court are the stuff of legend: lavish masquerades at which no expense is spared. Each year sees a different theme, usually based around scary (and-not-so-scary) movies. Bertie's favourite one was the Nightmare Before Christmas party, at which he played the part of Jack Skellington with aplomb. Less fondly remembered was the Slasher Ball, at which Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees _et al_ terrorised the neighbourhood. The fake blood took forever to expunge (though it was not as hard to shift as the trauma inflicted on the trick-or-treating children who witnessed the theatrics). For 2018, Dahlia is in the early planning stages of a 'Stranger Things' tribute, with the proviso that she gets to be Joyce Byers.

Bertie and Angela have something of a cousinly tradition in wise-cracking and snarking when watching movies together. While they are decent enough to keep this banter out of the cinema, Jeeves was quite put off the first time he sat down with them to watch 'Star Wars'. However, he has since found a workaround: if put in front of a musical, Bertie and Angela will watch in reverent silence, opening their mouths only to sing along to the songs, even splitting into duet and harmony. To Jeeves, the sound of Bertie's singing voice is far more pleasing than the abrupt screech of 'IT'S A TRAP!'

Given that Bertie has spent a lot of time discovering things that Jeeves finds delicious (red velvet cake, merlot, rogan josh, medium rare sirloin, Twinings loose leaf, Bertie himself), he has also discovered a number of flavours that Jeeves finds repellant:  
* Dr Pepper - Bertie offered him a swig from his can, and Jeeves promptly regretted it while chasing it with half a gallon of water.  
* Pickled Onion Monster Munch - this did not surprise Bertie, as said product was always more of a schoolboy's test of courage than an actual food.   
* Aniseed - discovered while downing a shot of Ouzo on a night out with Catsmeat. All the more licorice for Bertie, then.  
* Dry, unseasoned white meat - Aforementioned Christmas dinners with Aunt Clare. Bertie reassured Jeeves that Uncle George's reputation for juicy, flavourful Christmas goose precedes him, and the spicy home-made gravy flows like water. Happily, Jeeves was not disappointed.  
* Flavoured lube - 'nuff said.

When he was still at law school, Jeeves earned money in the deepest circle of hell, otherwise known as a job in retail. It is a mark of his noble character that he did not allow the horrendous customers and managers to sour his opinion on commerce, the Christmas period or humankind in general. Every Boxing Day, he returns to the menswear store where he used to work, and buys the exhausted staff a round of coffees and pastries for their trouble.

Bertie was witness to his philanthropy this year, and was so moved that he dragged Jeeves home and gave him his own Boxing Day gift - one which left the man sprawled on the bed, breathless and blissed out for most of the afternoon.

The Drones have an annual New Years' Eve party, usually hosted by one Oofy Prosser, as his parents own a sprawling estate in Sussex. There has been the odd year when relocating has been necessary, usually at the chagrin of the obliging Drone's parents or room-mates. As you can imagine, these are not low-key affairs: typical incidents include a small-scale gambling syndicate based on the results of the night's Smash Bros tournament, fisticuffs breaking out over who ate the last of the Quality Street, and the inexplicable appearance of a live elk in the Prosser family dining room (the prime suspects for this little stunt are Claude and Eustace). Not to mention a great number of ill-advised romantic couplings - Bingo Little can recall proposing marriage to someone on at least six separate occasions.


	4. Chapter 4

Bertie's a bit of a dweeb and still has committed ringtones for each of his contacts. They are as follows:

Jeeves - Changes periodically. Has recently rotated between So In Love from 'Kiss Me Kate', Whatta Man by Salt N Pepa, and You're The Top from 'Anything Goes'.

Aunt Agatha - Imperial March from 'Star Wars'

Aunt Dahlia - Run the World by Beyoncé

Cousin Angela - She's a Rebel by Green Day

Uncle Tom - Theme from 'Doctor Who'

Uncle George - Mr Toad from 'Wind In The Willows'

Boko Fittleworth - The Hall of The Mountain King by Edvard Greig

Gussie Fink-Nottle - It's Not Easy Being Green by Kermit the Frog

Madeline Bassett - Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy from Tchaikovsky's 'The Nutcracker'

Bingo Little - Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer

Tuppy Glossop - Asshole by Dennis Leary

Catsmeat - Razzle Dazzle from 'Chicago'

Marion Wardour - I Still Call Australia Home by Peter Allen

Florence Craye - Sister Suffragette from' Mary Poppins'

 

A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF JEEVES' PET NAMES FOR BERTIE

My darling  
My radiant faun  
My jewel  
My duckling  
My seraph  
My snowdrop  
My blueberry  
You sublime creature  
My peppermint  
My sunbeam  
My harlequin  
My popinjay  
My precious love  
My sweet songbird  
My bohemian

AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS ENDEARMENTS

  
My hawk-moth  
My silk painting  
My periwinkle  
My pofiterole  
My dandelion  
My bichon frise  
My zoisite  
My peachick


	5. Chapter 5

Unsurprisingly, Bertie's parents were of a definite musical persuasion. Papa Wooster worked as a music teacher at Dulwich College, and was a passionate bandmaster in his own time. His band even released an album of Tin Pan Alley standards and jazz-age novelty songs in the 1990s. Mummy Wooster was a piano teacher and sometime vocalist, whose jazzy performance of 'Cheek to Cheek' had Papa fall for her like a tonne of whatsits.

Bertie has many happy childhood memories of cavorting about Dulwich Park, near his old childhood home. Upon his removal to Brinkley Court, he did enjoy ankling about Ham Common and Richmond Park during summers home from Eton, but it was never quite the same. He has not returned to Dulwich since the death of his parents.

Edward Jeeves established the company 'Jeeves Electrical Pty Ltd' in 1978, out of a spare bedroom in his flat. When Edward's oldest son Thomas joined as an apprentice after secondary school, the company name was changed to 'Jeeves & Son Electrical Pty Ltd'. The company's current headquarters are in a good-sized workshop/office in Perivale, and it hires a dozen staff. Edward has taken something of a backseat of late, allowing Thomas to manage the majority of day-to-day operations.

After earning a first in medicine at University College London, Rani Jeeves went on to become a highly regarded pediatric consultant at Great Ormond Street Hospital (not to mention an industrious mum of four). These days, she works as the director of Hounslow Medical Centre - the underfunded and perennially busy clinic runs surprisingly smoothly with her canny Jeevsian tactics.

After completing an unrewarding three year stint at a kids shoe shop, Scarlett Jeeves is now an arts student and has no idea what she wants to do when she Grows Up (tm). Her older brother Reg has always been a lodestar in her life, and she wishes to emulate his path of finding a rewarding career that grants financial independence. He has lovingly warned her off going to law school.

Bertie's dream roles are Nanki-Poo (Mikado - preferably its Hot rendition), George III (Hamilton), Roger De Bris (The Producers), Jesus (Jesus Christ Superstar), Elder Price (Book of Mormon), Albin (La Cage Aux Folles) and Jean Valjean (Les Mis). He also wishes he could play Elphaba (Wicked), but one cannot always get what one wants.

 A six-year-old Roderick Spode's fondest wish was to have a frisky, soft little puppy of his own that he could play with and cuddle. He had discussed this with Mummy, and the good lady had made enquiries with the local shelter a few weeks prior to Roddy's seventh birthday. Together they visited the dogs, and picked out a prospective adoptee: a darling little Jack Russell x Beagle named Biscuit. Roderick's father, the eminent Lord Sidcup MP, put a stop to this milksop nonsense. Instead of getting a puppy, Roderick's birthday 'gift' was recruitment into the boy scouts, and he never saw Biscuit again.

At eight years old, Roddy met his 'Uncle' Watty's little girl Madeline. As an only child, Roddy was fascinated by the wee plump toddler, with her blonde curls and huge blue eyes. It wasn't long before Roddy became fiercely protective of the child, sharing his toys with her and defending her from bullies. They shared a love of Winnie the Pooh and running around the grounds of Totleigh Towers, thick as thieves during the summers when Roddy was home from his prepatory school. Eventually Madeline went to school herself, and Roddy was subsumed by the halls of Harrow and Cambridge. They gradually saw less and less of each other as they started travelling in vastly different circles.

Fresh from passing his bar exams, Roderick Spode visited the home of Uncle Watty, who had championed his career trajectory to become a barrister. While taking a turn around the gardens, he bumped into a nineteen-year-old Madeline, who was saying good morning to the pansies and rose bushes. Cupid's arrow got him with the ferocity of a Welsh longbowman, and from that moment, he was utterly utterly gone.

Despite being rather thin, Bertie has an ever-present pooch of pudge on his tummy that he can never quite shift - admiring the six-packs of dreamy gym-rats makes him positively viridian with envy. He is also not fond of his infuriatingly toff ski-jump nose and weak chin. And his two front teeth are slightly more prominent than he would like. Not to mention his pallid complexion and the freckles that dust his nose and this one repulsive acne scar on his forehead. Thankfully, when Jeeves folds his arms around Bertie and smothers him with smooches, this all falls away to the back of the Wooster mind.

Young Reginald Jeeves didn't exactly have 'friends', however he managed to collect many allies over his time at secondary school. He gained notoriety on the playground for his strategies of extricating confiscated items from teachers, finding a bully's weak spot, snagging the best spots to eat during break, etc etc. He was also a consistent star of the school debate team, winning the envy and admiration of the other high achievers. After school, while the other kids hung out at the shops and went over to each other's houses, Jeeves would cloister himself away in the library or his bedroom and lose himself in reading.

By the by, the young Reggie's heroes were as follows: Bayard Rustin, E. M. Forster, Sophia Duleep Singh, Bertrand Russell, Evelyn Waugh, W. H. Auden, Freddie Mercury, and of course _Dadaa_ Balvinder.

Bertie is a cat person. Decidedly so. He hasn't told Jeeves that one of his life goals is to eventually adopt at least three little fur-babies to cherish and cuddle and tease with laser pointers. However, Jeeves has sort of cottoned on, given all the cat videos Bertie watches; cat-themed paraphernalia he amasses; the kitty lock-screen on his phone; not to mention the old photos of Bertie dressed as Rum Tum Tugger for Halloween. Jeeves is hoping he can at least nudge Bertie in the direction of a hairless, non-shedding breed.


End file.
